The thoughts about how I didn’t want to be bi or gay and about how terrible everything was spiralled out of control and I became anxious and depressed – I can see now, looking back on it, just how dangerous it was! There are species of animals which have gay relationships even, google it – it’s really not ‘weird’ like people think it is.Īt the time though, I didn’t have these answers. Love is love, between whoever, and it’s all completely normal. There is NOT anything wrong with you – society is to blame for making you think that. Is it because there’s something wrong with me?”
You’re not gay, you’re bi, but that’s not a problem! I spent nights lying awake, thinking things like this: I distanced myself from my friends and I couldn’t stop thinking negative thoughts about myself. The possibility that I was “confused” or “undecided” and that I was actually gay.It was made harder by not fitting properly into the categories people try and put us all in – “gay” or “straight”. I realised that, contrary to what I’d thought all my life, I wasn’t the same as everyone else.Īccepting the fact that I wasn’t “straight” was really hard. I was freaked out, but I was in denial and firmly convinced myself that the thoughts about women were just a phase, or just something I found sexually exciting because it’s a bit ‘different’.īut by the time I was 21 I realised I was unhappy, that being in denial about my sexuality was affecting my relationships and that I couldn’t ignore it or make it go away. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I properly started having sexual fantasies and desires, and more than half of them were about women.
But the first time I watched a film or tv show and felt sexually attracted to the person on the screen, it was a woman – a scene in American Pie, I think! I assumed the feelings were because I wanted to “be” as attractive and sexy as the woman on screen, so I didn’t think too much about it! I’d always been friends with girls, but as a kid I never thought about girls in a romantic way… whereas I had ‘crushes’ on boys, who I obsessed over, and who I wanted to kiss and hold hands with and be with foreeeever.
I didn’t realise I was bisexual for a long time.